Sunday, May 21, 2017

Press Release: Letter to Russian PM from Valentina Matviyenko


Dear Russian Prime Minister,

I call on you in a time of need. I fear for my life and livelihood. I have heard rumors that the deceased Chief of the Armed Forces Valery Gerasimov was possibly assassinated by someone in his own cabinet. Along with this and the recent death of Hillary Clinton, I wonder if certain individuals are being targeted.

All I know is I wish I can once again be embraced in your strong arms. I fondly reflect on that rainy evening when you, me, Hillary and Bill Clinton were are all in the same room, embarking on a sensual adventure none of us would forget. We were like animals that night, truly in our primal states in both the behaviors we engaged in and the leopard leotards we wore. I wish to we could make that happen again.

Oh minister, hold me now.

Lyublyu,
Your Rawr-entina

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